a Little update - Powerless

If only I could take legal action against the entire healthcare system. Once again, it has shown me that I do not matter. What am I supposed to do now? I find this absolutely diabolical—there's no other way to put it.

I have fought so incredibly hard to free myself from drugs and medication. Medication that, even at the highest dosage, no longer worked. Yet, my doctor still advised me to keep taking it. And the worst part? He didn’t even tell me personally—this was relayed through his assistant, which I find deeply impersonal and dismissive in the first place.

The first time I ended up at the emergency room, the doctor there sent a request for me to be admitted to a crisis center. My doctor later claimed he had consulted with a psychiatrist from that facility. Not surprisingly, I was denied immediate admission. Instead, they advised me to stay on paroxetine—the same medication that had already failed me at maximum dosage. The same medication I had repeatedly told my doctor was making things worse. They had no other solution. Just keep taking it.

I refused. There was no help, no guidance, so I did what I had to do: I took matters into my own hands. I isolated myself from the outside world and fought my way through it, alone.

When I was at the emergency room, the doctor initially told me I was tapering off too quickly. He was referring to my medication. I had gone from taking 14–15 lorazepam and 8–9 zolpidem daily to just 3–4 in a short time. So I listened—I slowed down. I ordered my medication from my doctor, sticking to the doses we agreed on, but with an agreement to call each time I needed a refill so I wouldn’t have too much at home. Looking back, I now realize this wasn’t for my benefit—it was to cover his own tracks. Because I can’t prove now that we agreed on this.

Now, after all this effort, after being so close to my goal, I had a heated argument with my doctor when I requested another refill. I also sent an email, which he didn’t appreciate. He refused to prescribe me anything further and denied everything we had previously discussed. Suddenly, our agreements never happened. Suddenly, everything I told the emergency doctors was “nonsense.”

Now, when I am so close to breaking free, he completely abandons me. Why? Because I refused to take paroxetine? Because I didn’t comply with his easy solution instead of demanding proper care?

Now, I have to figure out my zolpidem and lorazepam tapering on my own. He knows I have nothing left, yet he simply leaves me hanging. What is his goal here? Does he want me to relapse just so he can say, "I told you so"? So he can label me an addict? What does he gain from this?

I was clear about my goal from the beginning. I have worked incredibly hard to get to this point. And now, he twists the situation, manipulating it so I am the one being cornered. But for what? I am almost there. I am almost free. And now he decides to abandon me?

My therapist called me, and through tears and panic, I told her everything. She promised to arrange contact with a psychiatrist or at least get some professional advice. Eventually, she spoke to my doctor. Of course, she didn’t call me back. Instead, she sent me an email—because that’s how it always goes. I have a feeling they’re avoiding a direct conversation with me. Maybe because, deep down, they know that what they’re saying is completely insane? The message? That I should follow the doctor’s advice and go back on paroxetine.

Yes, you read that right. After all the fighting, all the suffering, all the sheer willpower it took to get off this medication, they now want me to start taking it again—only to taper off later, but this time with "guidance."

The irony is almost laughable. Almost.

My brain can’t even process this logic. The withdrawal from paroxetine has been far worse than quitting drugs. And they want me to take it again just so I can suffer through withdrawal all over again?

My doctor is clever. Everything was communicated verbally or through his assistant, leaving me with no proof. So what now? Am I being painted as a liar?

I immediately requested a medication history report from the pharmacy, showing every prescription from the past few months. If I were lying, why did he prescribe them to me in the first place? So who’s lying now?

But because I dared to call them out, because I pointed out how they are actively hindering my recovery, I am now the problem. This is absolutely insane. I’m furious.

Right now, I feel so powerless. I would sue every single one of them if I had the legal grounds.